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What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is the most common form of violence. It can happen to anyone regardless of race, gender, age, religious preference, sexual orientation, physical/mental disability, educational level or income group. Domestic violence may be in the form of physical, mental, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse. When abuse occurs, it affects everyone---family, children, neighbors and friends. It may lead to lifetime injuries or even death.

There are ways to end the violence. By taking the first step and bringing the violence out in the open, the abuse can be stopped. There are alternatives available to a victim and his/her children.

Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence

MYTH: Battered women are generally masochistic of hysterical.
FACT: The battered woman may lover her abuser but she does not love the abuse.

MYTH: Middle-class women do not get battered as frequently.
FACT: Battering cuts across all classes, although it is less often reported in upper classes.

MYTH: The batterer will not beat his children.
FACT: Children in homes where their mothers are beaten are 1500 times more likely to be abused,
usually by the batterer.

MYTH: The batterer is not a loving partner.
FACT: According to victims, the batterers are often loving and kind at other times in the relationship.

MYTH:   Batterers are violent in all their relationships.
FACT:    The "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality appears in men who batter. They are usually not
              violent to anyone except their partner.

MYTH:    Many men batter because they are drunk or on drugs.
FACT:     Drugs and alcohol may reinforce abuse but they do not cause the violence and should not
              be used to excuse it.

Dynamics of Domestic Violence

Why do some men batter?

Violence is an effective means of control.
Men who batter often say that the women will not do what they want them to do.
An abuser feels he as the right to control "his woman".
Some men batter because of other factors in their lives.

    1. Poor self-image

    2. Poor childhood experience

    3. Economic pressure

    4. Lack of communication

    5. Fear of change

    6. Stereotyped view of women

    7. Feel a need for power

    8. Abuse alcohol and drugs

    9. Fear abandonment

   10. Feel intense jealousy
Men batter because they can.

Why do some women stay?

Her experience is similar to that of a hostage or a prisoner of war.
She is isolated from her family and friends.
She is frequently threatened with increased violence if she tries to leave or criminally charge the
abuser.
She is terrified---she never knows if the violence could lead to death.
The question "Why does she stay?" assumes that she can leave.
She may not be able to leave due to extreme terror or physical restraints.
If she leaves her abuser, she might face enormous disadvantages:

    1. Loss of shelter

    2. Loss of money

    3. No credit

    4. No car

    5. No job
She may be unable to leave because she does not want to face these disadvantages with her
children---she would prefer to stay than to disrupt her children's lives any further.
Societal attitudes.

Society generally ignores domestic violence or blames the victim for "provoking" or accepting
violence. Officials, such as court officers, police, ministers, etc., often urge battered women to
"forgive and forget" to keep the family together.
Hope.

The abused wife/girlfriend usually loves her husband/boyfriend and goes on believing that he'll
reform, although this rarely happens without professional help.

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are at high risk of suffering physical abuse themselves. Regardless of whether children are physically abused, the emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence are very similar to the psychological trauma associated with being a victim of child abuse. Each year, an estimated 3.3 million children witness domestic violence.

Research shows that domestic violence is the single most common factor among mothers of abused children.

Children in homes where they witness domestic violence may "indirectly" receive injuries. They may be hurt when items are thrown or weapons are used. Infants may be injured if being held by their mother when the batterer strikes out. Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.

Children from violent homes have higher rates of alcohol and drug abuse and juvenile delinquency. They are also more likely to repeat the cycle and become abusers/victims themselves.

How You Can Help Eliminate Domestic Violence in Virginia

Listen carefully to women and children who have been abused. Believe them and let them know that it is not their fault. Give them support, encourage them to express their feelings and allow them to make their own decisions.
Volunteer to work with FCS. By donating your time you can assist in many ways; help others in need; provide child care and transportation; provide your support to the survivors; organize fund raising projects; speak to community groups.
Donate food, clothing, sheets, towels, furniture and other household items that may be used by FCS.
Model non-violent, respectful behavior with the children in your community.
Write or call your elected representatives and let them know that you support stronger laws to protect women and children who are, or have been abused.
Ask your religious, civic or business organization to invite a speaker to educate the group on domestic violence and more ways to become involved.

What to do if Someone You Know is Involved in an Abusive Relationship

Let the person know you care.
Be a good listener.
Identify sources of help.
Educate yourself about domestic violence.
Share this information with others.
Be calm.
Never condone abuse.
Keep communication lines open.
Remember that you can't "rescue" them if they are not ready.
Encourage the person to be honest.
Affirm that everyone needs to be accepted.
Validate their experience and feelings.
Encourage the person to get assistance and help them to see that change is possible.

Tips for a Victim

If you feel you are in danger, leave before you are abused.
Learn telephone numbers for police, hospital and FCS.
Have an extra set of keys made for the car and the house and hide them in a safe place.
Plan an escape route out of your home; set aside a bag of clothing for you and your children; have available birth certificates, social security cards, money, credit cards, marriage license, medical card, utility receipts, bank account information and proof of income.
Work out a distress signal with a neighbor (i.e. blinking lights).
Avoid arguments in rooms where possible weapons are kept, such as the kitchen or bathroom, or where guns and knives are stored.
Confide in a friend.
Establish contact with a lawyer.
Contact FCS.